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  • Writer's pictureAnnamaria Nemeth

Discernment of authenticity

Let’s do a little follow up in choosing wisely. We are all creatures of habit and tend to gravitate toward what we know works for us in our comfort zones. How well does this process work for you in your life?


If you are someone who has experienced trauma, you understand the need to feel safe and secure before you can feel full trust. Therefore building comfort and safety in a relationship will play a key role in your being able to heal around another person and allow that wall you have built around your heart to open up.


If the trauma has not been dealt with properly, there can be a lot of pain-based decisions and behaviors. If you do not feel safe, the triggers to be hyper-vigilant surface. When this happens the real work begins and the test of a true relationship will take center stage. A compassionate partner will try to understand this pain and hold a safe space for healing and growth. The wrong partner might use this to hurt you even more. Perhaps that won’t occur intentionally but it would depend on the partner’s level of emotional intelligence, where they are developmentally, or perhaps in their own healing journey. 


All of this starts with both parties sharing thoughts and feelings and noticing how those are received; how sacred is that space that they are sharing? Emotional regulation happens then, too. If I can trust you with my feelings and with my thoughts, and if you respect that space and hold it sacred, I will start feeling safe and I will be able to open up more. I will not feel the need to be alert, and trust then starts to develops.


There are so many stages to connecting emotionally and allowing the individuals involved to  move onto and into deeper levels of communication. We can then increase and develop the awareness level. The space between us closes in and the body and soul connection can then begin.  


We learn about people by observing them. But we also learn through the great three: body, mind, and soul connection. As we know, communication is not always verbal. We live in a culture in which we say the words “I love you” a lot but they can mean so little. However, non-verbal communication  is also very important.


When this deep level of communication and connection happens in relationships, there is something very magical about it.   When we learn to observe and read others we can discover who is safe, who is unsafe, and who is really a true soul. We really must work on developing these authentic relationships where we must safe and are able to trust. After that, all else falls into place. If the foundation is right, the solid place to dwell and grow in can be built. 


Social boundaries are also important in relationships. It’s very important to have that one person that you know you have a friendship with and a connection with like no other. That’s a tall order, I know, but realistically this should also develop especially in couples.  There should be that feeling of a VIP status where you feel like there is nobody else in the world when you are around this person. There should be a magical, euphoric feeling that you experience every single time you look into that person’s eyes. It feels like two souls are connecting at cosmic levels, it just flows...


I was told that I have a fairy tale attitude toward relationships and that my expectations might be very unrealistic. However, I know they are not. I see so many couples who can connect like this. It is  achievable, but it has to be desired by both. Imagine a love-centered, unconditional, true relationship. It really is not hard. But how many true souls are out there to offer that? How many are willing to love themselves and love others in the most genuine way? It would mean true commitment, no wavering, holding space for love, healing, and growth by creating a safe and nurturing space.


 Trust itself has so many levels. We want to be trusted and we also want to trust, right? Individuals who have experienced trauma will find it difficult to freely trust you. It just is not going to happen easily. You have to earn that trust. The intense feelings that happen when we start feeling fear and feel lack of trust is so deep, so fierce, so passionate.


Feeling love is the same way. It, too, is fierce and passionate. When the right person builds hope and confidence, it makes you feel stronger and empowered. The relationship will flourish. When you feel caged, controlled, emotionally manipulated, and lied to, the flag goes up and that old feeling of needing to protect yourself returns.


If you are in a healed place and know the feeling of what is healthy, you will want to nurture that. You will try to communicate. You will try to see a common starting point. If you have not completed any healing work, you will go to the dark side and everything will trigger the low self esteem, low self-worth, and your inadequacies all become enhanced. Funny what “love” can do.


Think about it. How many times did you feel euphoric from love and how many times have you felt your heart crushed in the name of “love?” The good news, however, is that once the awareness is there for these issues we can manifest outcomes. Remember, it takes two. We know we cannot do the “work”for anyone else to do the healing they need to do. I read once somewhere: “Careful when you try to fix someone because you can end up bleeding from the broken pieces.” Our wholeness and brokenness should be received and nurtured in all ways, same we we nurture and hold space for the wholeness and brokenness of others. This period can be very empowering in the right relationships.


Know your needs. If you don’t know what you need, how will you know what you need to work on to create healthy connections? Myself, I need the safe harbor; the welcoming, empowering, and nurturing harbor . I need to know that what I say matters and I need to see that my heart is understood. It’s a tall order, I know , but not really.


Also it’s important to know what you have to offer. Sometimes you’re fierce and passionate. Your strength is not always a fit for a person who does not see that as being empowering and a positive trait. If someone has had a past where your personality triggers the “old tunes” of a past relationship, your strengths are immediately seen as being villainous and you become a reflection of a past ghost.  Read that again: past unresolved  relationships will trigger your partner into seeing your gifts and strengths as the worse thing ever. 


If you are confident and outspoken but your partner has had a negative experience with this, you will be seen in a negative light. It will not matter what you do until your partner heals from the past wounds and recognizes your intentions come from a loving and caring heart. No matter how much love and energy you put into something if it is not received and viewed through the same lens, there is nothing you can do about it. It all goes back to the same thing: we cannot change others, we can only work on ourselves. We should not want to change others. We should create a harbor of healing and hope that our open arms and heart will be enough to want our partner to meet us there. 


Relationships are hard if previous pain existed. We should also be careful as to where we seek counsel. Why? Not everyone has your best interest in mind and their advice can come from a biased, jaded, unhealed, or a self-serving place. We should also be careful with giving advice. You can’t be sure how the “story” was told. 


Stay focused on creating authentic relationships and never settle. Decide who is worth your investment and who is not. Who is there for you in an authentic and not self-serving way? Giving your heart and fighting for loved ones  is a beautiful thing, but you must remain true to yourself as well. No matter what you do, allow it to come from a pure desire set in love. When you feel powerless, remember to look within. What is your energy being expended on? Even at our lowest we can find good if we seek it in love. To me I bring the light back to God and His strength that gives me hope in faith. You are worth it and you have value. Authentic relationships begin with an authentic self.

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