I can and I will create change!
Updated: Dec 7, 2020
I want to start by thanking all of you for reaching out and offering your kind words of support. I am on the mend and feel much better every day. As of right now, I can tell the treatments are working, my “brain fog” is lifting and I am grateful for the love, care, and support I have been receiving.
My days are different now. I have to take each day as it comes. Some are good days, some are bad days. This has really taught me to listen to my body and not ignore the signs when i need to slow down or take it easy for the day. It really has also made me look at my reasoning. Although reasoning is a “soft” skill, if you will, it helps us determine many choices in our everyday life.
Have you heard of inductive reasoning? This helps us go from making an observation to making some general conclusions. We use our past experiences to guide us in our decisions today. Inductive reasoning uses experiences to predict a certain outcome. Can we do that in a healthy way if we had trauma and if the thinking process is fear-based?
We become conditioned in ways we do not even realize. As I was growing up in a very strict communist regime and an abusive household, my survival skills “flourished,” but all of it was due to a fear-based root. I did everything I had to out of fear. For example, I learned how to manipulate the system in school and forge my grade cards out of fear.
Another time, once again out of fear, I fought back against my father, who tried to sexually abuse me when I was 11 years old. I literally told him that if he tried anything like that with me ever again I would kill him. Can you imagine a little 11-year-old screaming at a man who I knew could crush me with one blow? Yet, fear and anger came together and I stood up to him with all I had in me. I ran out of the house after that and did not look back. I hid outside until my mom came home.
In my mind if I allowed this kind of abuse to occur it would continue just as all the other abuse which he had physically inflicted upon us. The beatings and terror were one thing but sexual abuse? That I could not accept and I would not allow it to ever happen. To show my determination against his terror, there was a situation that occurred which involved his heart condition. He was having a serious episode and needed his pills. I was the only person there at the time and I said “I have no idea where they are.” I meant for him to die. His rage had placed him into that situation with his heart and then in that moment my fear turned into hatred towards him. I was ready to let him die.
.I really don’t know what stopped me in the end and made me give him his medication. However, I told him then that he was not above death and I hated him enough to wish it on him. The same thing happened the time he tried to teach me about boys and sex. I think he knew I could get to him. The past experience was never mentioned and he never tried anything like that again. I think he knew...I knew....
Do we have that in us? All of us? To fight back yet at times become so paralyzed that we are unable to act to defend ourselves? Could we at one point break and then commit acts beyond our reasoning? Can you reason when you are experiencing a psychopathic reaction? Of course not. I had no remorse for wanting my father dead. I was 11 years old...and I felt that my reasoning was hijacked and the adrenaline rush made me feel like a giant. At that moment I saw fear in my fathers eyes, and this fed my strength even more. I sent a strong message to him and he knew...
As I was dealing with a broken home life filled with terror, I also had the interethnic relations in my country to deal with. Why am I sharing all this? We can be broken and heal! We can learn to forgive, not just others, but ourselves too. Being a second class citizen was not in my favor, but, being a rebel was not in my favor either. I was in such a constant state of unrest within my soul that I fought against everything I could.
The communist regime fed the ethnic discriminations and clashes. The secret police monitored and encouraged these circumstances and really pushed assimilation. And if you did not conform you were considered a traitor. We all had to be the same and “worship” the Communist regime and our President. The amalgamation had begun years ago and now it was reinforced in such ways that citizens and families turned against one another...divide and conquer...How do you heal from all of this? How can you? You CAN!
Look beyond the tangible. The brain is ever-changing and we can create new neural pathways in the brain everyday. Neuralplasticity, look it up... We can rewire our brain. What will you focus on today to help this process of increasing the pathways in your brain to create healthy habits, happy thoughts, etc.?
My spiritual being is where I turn. I have huge faith and trust in God. Meditation in prayer is what helps me. We have so many parts of us that need healing. The power to heal our bodies resides in us and God can heal. God has always been my core, my strength, and my guiding light.
“Be still and know that I am God.” I have always trusted and known that God is ever present. As this year is coming to an end and we all hope for a better 2021, we have to look at what grounds us. What is your “escape” and then question why? How sustainable is your lifestyle?
In life, we partake in activities and even thought processes that instantly affect our body, mind, and soul. Are we paying attention to what is really healthy for us? Why do we do some things that are harmful to us? This is not just about circumstances and our environment, this also relates to people around you. Who is healing and who is harming? When we are in an unstable state of mind, we often seek the thrills that make us feel a certain way, a way that feels alive... To me that is my relationship with God. I love people, I love nature, I love alone time...we find so much that is good and beautiful in life. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had my share of wrong choices and made plenty mistakes in life. But with age can come wisdom and better choices. Work on making the right choices to feed those healthy neural pathways and strengthen them. Pay attention, keep a journal about how you feel at certain times and try to asses and process why. Do this for two weeks, a month and go back read that. Now you can focus on that which gives you healing energy, gives you strength, makes you happy, smile, feel alive, and good. Do more of that.
A great watch: Heal on Netlix